It's the Daily Scream!

I missed yesterday.

April 4th+5th 2020

photo on fedi also

It happens. The guilt will pass.

Yesterday I built a small wall along my path to the bus. There were all these bricks laying around and I wanted to put them to use. I also remade the firepit wall, before it had been half knocked over and trampled and many of the bricks were smashed, so I rebuilt it with only full bricks. I took the time to chisel off the all the mortar around all the old bricks so that they would stack cleanly.

I made some jam tonight. I picked black raspberries, loquats and mulberries. I didn't add anything, only boiling them down and evaporating the water. Ended up with slightly less then one pint jar of jam. mIEKAL said it should be fine in the fridge for weeks without any additives. Now I just need to get my flour.

There are three things I need to remember. I have forgotten two of them. The one thing that I still do remember is that two of the things have been forgotten.

I am sitting in my bus really wishing I had some snacks. I don't really have any snack food at all here. The closest thing to snack food I have currently is half a bag of goji berries. It was a full bag yesterday but then I started munching on them while watching something last night and ate way too many of them...

So I wrote the above paragraph and went into the house to look for a snack. While I was toasting a piece of bread in the kitchen, my roommate (sleep?) walked into the hallway and peed all all over the floor about three feet from the bathroom door. Either they were super drunk or sleep walking. But either way I have never seen someone randomly walk into a room and pee all over the floor.

Do I talk about all the things that happened today?

April 3rd

fedi photo post

Or do I go into detail as to what I learned from those things? Again with asking myself endless questions. That is all I really have are more questions. I did some serious cleaning today and that surely was a good thing.

I sit here across from a mirror. I don't think this mirror is helping my focus though so maybe I will have to move it. I finally have working internet in the bus thanks to a hacked wireless router that Mikey have me. Its even flashed to DD-WRT, I named it TRASH FUTURE.

If I set up more of a kitchen thing here I think I would be better equipped to be settled in this bus for a bit. That and a fan. I guess I could get this aircon running again...

I put off writing again too long and now I just feel burnt out. I have to remember I need to write early on in the evening if I am actually going to do this writing every day.

Watching movies in the bus without having to download them first is gonna be really nice. I think it will help me spend more time in here. I only wish the bus wasn't so slanted. I guess I should try to rehab the batteries. That is a process I could attempt to do without having to spend a bunch of money...

There are only so many things I am able to say.

April 2nd 2020

also posted on the fediverse

For instance pretty much anything in another language. Think of all the different emotions I could potentially convey in other languages that have no translation. Actually that's impossible without learning the language first because translation is only a partial step in the way things are able to be expressed. I am reminded of how trapped we are in our past ways of thinking and communicating. We are literal incarnations of every previous moment. We continue to exist moment by moment while also existing in every past moment we have ever existed in. This is a conundrum that will eternally frustrate the humanness into us. I guess we can relish this problem to keep living out our best self's.

Alyssa just delivered a large box of dumpstered food to the house. Such a nice gift. They also washed the large bed sheet that I gave back to them after they moved out of my bus that was covered in dog hair. They didn't want it cause it didn't fit their new bed.

I spent much of the day looking through a box of “paper stuff” that I hadn't looked through for a long time. It contained all sorts of things that somehow were special. I had picked that box thinking it might contain many things that could be gotten rid of. But when I started going through it everything within it had memories attached. How many times must I keep going through these things and holding onto them?

I just made a cup of ginger tea with manuka honey. It is too hot for me to drink right now which is a bit frustrating cause I want to! I don't know what to write down here right now. I was thinking about restarting Duolingo Arabic from the beginning. I feel like there was too much time in between my lessons and now I am confused when I try to do the harder ones they give me. So maybe if I start from basics it will help. I think this is gonna have to do for today. Good night fediverse.

For every day I am alive I have eaten something.

April 1st 2020

posted on the fediverse separately I don't think there is a single day in my life I have not put some edible thing in my mouth and swallowed. There are days that I have not slept at all. There are days that I have not drank a single glass of water. If I am trying to ascertain my position in the universe and what it is I am suppose to do next that seems to be a good start. Find out what I have done so far. Famous made many connections in my life. I came to New Orleans with Famous and Felix for the first time on a whim. I met Rusty Lazer through Famous. I met Corinne through Rusty. I met Andrew through Corinne. Andrew had a bus. That bus was very inspiring to me to see Andrew work on it. Part of the inspiration led me to look for buses on the auction site and then me and Paloma ended up getting the bus together. I am sitting on a couch right now inside said bus. Tracing the lines between the people I have met and the things I have done. There are all these places I have traveled in my live but I have no idea why I went to any of them? What was I looking for? What was the point? Why did me and Paloma go to Kazakhstan together? It was there the last time I shaved my head. The old Muslim man with the bird in the bag on the wall. It was a tiny room. They must have been in their mid 70s. I sat down on the chair and we gestured to shave it all. K and PK watched from the outside of the shop, there was a cement ledge that ran along the buildings that the shop was in. Where does this story go? What is the purpose of any of these actions we take?

I was in the woods many times. Sometimes looking at mushrooms up close. Usually with some friends. Have I explored the woods alone? I think very rarely. I must have but I can't recall any specifics right now. I have always been excited about various animals. Finding frogs would always brighten my day. And again I lose track of where I am going.

To write a story in linear time one must have some idea of the passage of linear time and also maybe a purpose for telling the story. I don't. I know I want to get better at describing the world around me and transcribing the ideas that swirl in my head into a form that can be cherished for later. Maybe so my madness has a vague reason for existing. I think about Claire a good deal. Maybe I need to reach out to Claire and ask something of them. I scanned all those pictures while sitting in Tara's mothers floor in Taos. I forgot about that and just now remembered when writing this down. I never even finished cropping them. When was that? Christmas in the Taos Pueblo. Was that actually less then a year ago? No that doesn't work out, it must have been a year a 3 months ago. It feels like an eternity. So many relationships ended in unresolved chaos. I don't like that. But what is an end made of? How does one end a relationship without chaos?

How I came to be me.

March 31st 2020

image posted on the fediverse

The meeting took place on a bench. This is an arbitrary starting point of course, but all starting points are whether we like it or not. There must be a meeting that took place on a bench that had some major effect on me. It is too common of a action to not have happened so often as to permeate the essence of my self. Was it a meeting that I had or a meeting that some other humans had in my absence? I would make the assumption both have happened. Trying to recall a bench that had some important meeting; the image of the spool tables in the yard at Dreamtime comeback to me, I made blue glass beads with a broken Arizona ice tea bottle and a handheld blowtorch. The same position in the garden that I first saw Tiffany making wire sculptures. Maybe Tiffany was inspired by Dan The Wire Man. Both of their creations made with trash were very inspiring to me. I must have been no older then 12.

The position of those tables? So much was done in that little yard between the chicken coop and the back door of the Hotel. The spot where we got the free wooden spools from the electric company. The same spot where I would meet with rides to get to Viroqua to get to high school those 4 years. I have been saying it was four years all this time but actually I have no idea how many years it really was. How did I start going to school in the first place? Lyx met some people through the yoga class who were starting a high school? I could probably ask Eddy these questions since they were around at the beginning of the school. But maybe that part of the story isn't interesting. How did I end up living in New Orleans? I want to leave here, I am sick of this place. I am ready for a new chapter. I want to start an advocacy program for the advancement of certain goals. The goal of money not being one of them. Maybe in trade for food. I guess what else do I need? Housing and somehow plane tickets. I would love to be able to fly without paying any money. Maybe to achieve that I need to build a plane? But that is a major undertaking that I don't have time for. I don't even know how to start that car that's parked next to me. I guess that is a goal I could try to achieve. Oh also I wonder about putting the internals of Brianne's car into another car to make it legal? Maybe also not worth the effort. I guess one of the major problems in my life has been figuring out what to base my decisions on.

The feeling that all decisions are arbitrary has always bothered me. But really most of them are. I know I need to keep eating food and drinking water. That reminds me I should probably drink some water. I forget to drink water most of the time. I only remember to drink caffeine or other such liquids. Where was I going? The connections cobbled together from years of living at Dreamtime have set me up to be where I am today. But where is this place that I am? What have learned and what have I forgotten? I could ask myself questions until I was board of asking questions but that would serve to purpose. I am happy to keep living and doing things but I would love some guidance on the matter. I felt so sure of what I wanted getting back from Berlin last time. And then I got back into the states and was sucked up into an abyss of confusion as to how to proceed.

Ping ponging back and forth now has only made me certain I want to be there. But how does that work out? What to do with all this shit I have collected over the years? I really don't need anything but then I also don't want to see all the work I put into keeping these belongings safe go to waste. All the trash I have collected over the years feels like it must have been for some reason. But what reason could that even be? Reasons: what is a reason if not a moral judgement as to the purpose of life and how the next point in that life will effect the point after.