How I came to be me.

March 31st 2020

image posted on the fediverse

The meeting took place on a bench. This is an arbitrary starting point of course, but all starting points are whether we like it or not. There must be a meeting that took place on a bench that had some major effect on me. It is too common of a action to not have happened so often as to permeate the essence of my self. Was it a meeting that I had or a meeting that some other humans had in my absence? I would make the assumption both have happened. Trying to recall a bench that had some important meeting; the image of the spool tables in the yard at Dreamtime comeback to me, I made blue glass beads with a broken Arizona ice tea bottle and a handheld blowtorch. The same position in the garden that I first saw Tiffany making wire sculptures. Maybe Tiffany was inspired by Dan The Wire Man. Both of their creations made with trash were very inspiring to me. I must have been no older then 12.

The position of those tables? So much was done in that little yard between the chicken coop and the back door of the Hotel. The spot where we got the free wooden spools from the electric company. The same spot where I would meet with rides to get to Viroqua to get to high school those 4 years. I have been saying it was four years all this time but actually I have no idea how many years it really was. How did I start going to school in the first place? Lyx met some people through the yoga class who were starting a high school? I could probably ask Eddy these questions since they were around at the beginning of the school. But maybe that part of the story isn't interesting. How did I end up living in New Orleans? I want to leave here, I am sick of this place. I am ready for a new chapter. I want to start an advocacy program for the advancement of certain goals. The goal of money not being one of them. Maybe in trade for food. I guess what else do I need? Housing and somehow plane tickets. I would love to be able to fly without paying any money. Maybe to achieve that I need to build a plane? But that is a major undertaking that I don't have time for. I don't even know how to start that car that's parked next to me. I guess that is a goal I could try to achieve. Oh also I wonder about putting the internals of Brianne's car into another car to make it legal? Maybe also not worth the effort. I guess one of the major problems in my life has been figuring out what to base my decisions on.

The feeling that all decisions are arbitrary has always bothered me. But really most of them are. I know I need to keep eating food and drinking water. That reminds me I should probably drink some water. I forget to drink water most of the time. I only remember to drink caffeine or other such liquids. Where was I going? The connections cobbled together from years of living at Dreamtime have set me up to be where I am today. But where is this place that I am? What have learned and what have I forgotten? I could ask myself questions until I was board of asking questions but that would serve to purpose. I am happy to keep living and doing things but I would love some guidance on the matter. I felt so sure of what I wanted getting back from Berlin last time. And then I got back into the states and was sucked up into an abyss of confusion as to how to proceed.

Ping ponging back and forth now has only made me certain I want to be there. But how does that work out? What to do with all this shit I have collected over the years? I really don't need anything but then I also don't want to see all the work I put into keeping these belongings safe go to waste. All the trash I have collected over the years feels like it must have been for some reason. But what reason could that even be? Reasons: what is a reason if not a moral judgement as to the purpose of life and how the next point in that life will effect the point after.