I've always been attracted to women. I've always — at least low key — wanted to be a guy. I grew up knowing that being gay was taboo but not that it really mattered because I was just me and that was different.

Not until I was much older did it really sink in that it's a big deal to almost everyone. Like I knew, don't get me wrong. I knew the history, the violence, the oppression — I knew it was all real and existed and reality. But I never had to face it and I never had anyone tell me I was wrong for being me. I never explicitly told anyone, either, because... I don't know. I was just me?

For a little while I was just casually considering starting T without mentioning it to anyone because it didn't matter. Again, it's just me and I've always just kind of felt like that. Decided I didn't want to deal with the excessive body hair and hormonal stuff after a bit of research but I'm still mulling it over casually. It doesn't feel like it's a big decision or a problem to solve.

I wish there was a better way to put into words this feeling. I've never felt wrong being queer, even before I completely understood it.

I don't hide who I am, but I also don't really talk about it with people. It all just kind of exists. It feels like just a natural facet of myself, like having a favorite color. I know it's strange but I just kind of think about it a lot.

#queer #irl

She visited and we spent a whole day together and had a dinner/drinks date, it was great. And then we planned on it again. Then she moved closer for financial reasons and now instead of it being a 5 hour drive, it's only like an hour and a half. So she's visited a lot more within the past two months.

Then I called her 'datefriend' because idk what the fuck else to call her. And then I just kind of started referring to her as my girlfriend and we briefly talked about 'hey what do we call each other?' and then we basically just casually settled into dating.

We've all known each other since college, same fraternity, etc. My fiancée & GF have a lot in common with music stuff. They also knew each other in college, albeit not like close BFFs. So it just kind of works out, I guess.

It's nice. It's kind of difficult to balance things, but I think I'm learning. And it's just as difficult trying to be open about my personal intimacy stuff with another person as it is with my fiancee sometimes.

But I'm learning and I think I'm doing okay.

#queer #irl